Not sure what to write about… (WARNING – a little graphic)

I haven’t written anything in almost a week, so I thought I would just write something.

I went to bed last night and woke up this morning very anxious because I knew I had to go to the eye doctor today.  It was my annual eye exam and it’s not that I don’t like my eye doctor, but sometimes in the past I have felt that he was judging me.  That’s probably all in my head though.  So I was worried about that.  However it turned into the most pleasant eye exam I have ever had, and everything went well.  I worried for absolutely nothing.  He asked me what I was going to school for and I told him about how I want to work with animals, and he was very supportive of this.  So wow, that was good.  I’m always worried about what personal questions doctors will ask me.  They always ask you what you’re up to.

Anyway.  My eyes are OK.  I am blessed to have perfect vision, and I don’t have any diseases of the eye.  However, and this is nothing new, I do have some problems with the way my eyes work together which makes it hard for me to read and do any type of precision work.  My eyes have to work really hard to work well together.  I’ve known this since 2009.  I have glasses that I use to read that help a bit, but mostly there isn’t anything I can do for my eye condition.  My doctor also thinks that may be why I don’t like driving, because it can make driving more difficult.

My doctor was very happy that I’m going to be working with animals because he doesn’t think I would do well with a desk job since it’s hard for me to be on the computer for too long looking at numbers and words and whatnot.  But when I told him lately my instructors have been telling me I would be a great vet tech, he said, “Well you could try that, but remember with precision work, that could be really hard for you because of your eyes.”  So I’m a little disappointed.  But soon our class is going to start going to vet offices to see if that’s something we would be interested in doing.  And I’m sure the more I learn, the better I will understand if that’s the right path for me.

Speaking of wanting to work as a vet tech…we are going to be watching live surgeries in a month or so.  I’ve had some panic attacks since my instructors told me about this.  They both said they could really see me being a vet tech and that if I was OK with blood and whatnot I would probably do really well.  Of course, I am very sensitive to a lot of things, surgeries being one of them.  It’s not the blood and guts that really bothers me I don’t think; it’s more of the (WARNING) cutting into flesh. But if this is something I really want to do, I think I can do anything I put my mind to.  I want to help animals, so when there’s a will, there’s a way.  I’m honestly excited that being a vet tech could be a possibility for my future.  I have always cut myself short and felt like I couldn’t do anything.  Now I’m beginning to think otherwise.  I can do whatever I want.

So I am excited about this whole learning process, and things are looking up for me.  I didn’t let fear hold me back this time, I tried something and it’s working out for the best.  YAY! :)

Well that was crazy…

Yesterday my sister got into a car accident.  She’s doing just fine…she is however terrified of driving now.  She got her licenses about 3 weeks ago.  She was driving to her boxing class (a drive that she is very familiar with), when she got hit by a van on the driver’s side.  The van was going about 55 miles an hour, and my sister was slowly turning right on red.  She doesn’t seem to really know what happened.  She says it happened so fast she didn’t even know what was going on.  She never saw the car coming from the left.  That could be because there is a blind spot in my mom’s car (the car she was driving).  Anyway, she walked away with a little bonk on the head and a little bruise/scrape on her hip from the side of the car being banged in. My sister basically escaped death, and I’m not being dramatic.  I saw the car today at the towing place and it looked terrible.  The car is totaled.  The reason she wasn’t hurt worse is because the car somehow miraculously hit the driver’s side right between the driver’s door and the back passenger’s door.  It didn’t hit the driver’s door directly. When I found out she was hit and I didn’t have all the information yet, I felt like I was going to cry.  I was panicked.  I really do love my sister.  We fight like cats and dogs, but she’s my little sister.  I want to protect her. A woman who saw the accident stopped immediately and went right over and sat in the car with my sister to calm her down.  Her name was Angela.  Fitting name.  She was an angel for sure.  She stayed with her until my mom got there and she even talked to my mom for away to let her know what happened since my sister was hyperventilating.  I truly believe she was being watched over yesterday.  It’s like God sent Angela to the rescue, and it was a miracle my sister wasn’t hurt.  This doesn’t make all my doubting go straight away, I am human, but it does something that I can’t quite explain in a good way.  It kinda reaffirmed my belief in God, and not only that, but it showed me miracles can really happen.

For some reason…

within the past couple of years I have developed an extreme fear of driving.  I can get around the area I live in fine, but driving out of town is miserable for me.  I have to drive out of town for several things.  For school, and for various activities that I would like to do.  But I have been avoiding so much because of this fear and it’s really holding me back from living my life.  There is a lot of traffic where I live.  I live very close to a large city with lots of crazy drivers.  We also have a lot of tolls with high overpasses, which for me is my biggest fear of all.

I used to get around pretty well, but 2 summers ago I went on a trip to Missouri with my dad and sister, and we had to drive through some horrible traffic like I had never seen before.  We were safe, nothing bad happened, but ever since then I’ve been afraid to drive.  I’ve always had a little fear of driving, but nothing like how it is now.

Just thinking about my fear I’m tensing up and on the verge of a panic attack.  But I have to write this because it’s been bothering me so much.  I have way too many fears…I know this.  I wish I could trust.  Trust that God is taking care of me.  But bad things happen to people all the time…so that’s why I don’t trust.

Typing my previous sentence has my OCD going wild.  “You shouldn’t say that because something bad will happen now because you don’t trust God.”  OCD has caused my relationship with God to be, well, almost non existent.  Or is it the other way around?  God has caused my OCD?  Maybe not God himself, but the idea of God.  You know the God that you grow up hearing about from other “Christians.”  Apparently to these so called Christians everything you think, do, or feel is a sin.  I don’t think the God I believe in would condemn me for being human.  Or do I since my fears are so strong?

I want to trust in God.  I want to believe in God.  I want to know that no matter what God is with me.  And I swear I feel his presence when I’m in nature with animals.  So how can I still doubt having felt what I’ve felt?  Will I ever stop doubting?

How did this turn into a spiritual discussion?  Maybe there’s an answer in itself.

Great night!!!

I had class tonight and we did agility training!!!  It was so much fun!  We took the dogs on a pretty large agility course and we each took turns showing off!  I loved it.

I will say though with all this new stuff that I’m learning right now my OCD and Bipolar Disorder is coming out to play…and not in a good way.  Obviously with anything new there will be some anxieties about whatever, but I wish I could just enjoy everything and not have these symptoms to deal with.  I’m sure things will get better though once I get used to everything.

I’m so hyper right now because of all the excitement around everything I did tonight.  I don’t know how I’ll sleep…