I need to make some changes…

If I don’t do something soon to change the way my life is going, I will start going far more backwards than I already am.  In the past 2 1/2 months I have started to notice that I’m having more and more trouble leaving my house, and I rarely leave it by myself.  Being unemployed and quitting the volunteer job has really blown my confidence.  My social anxiety is bad.  My anxiety in general is bad.

I’m lost though…and my therapist and psychiatrist keep saying how stable I am, and I just think that crazy…I’m not.  I’m in a bad place.  I’m depressed, and I don’t know what to do anymore.  I need more help than I’m getting and I need to tell both of them that.

Christmas Shopping…

Just got back from Christmas shopping.  I’m not finished yet.  I still have some shopping left to do, but I feel better.  I really don’t buy much for anyone.  I mostly buy for my parents and sister and that’s it.  If I decided to buy for everyone else in my life I’d go crazy.  Though I don’t have more than a handful of important people in my life so………

But I just don’t feel the need to buy for everyone.  I don’t want friends or extended family buying me gifts, there is no need. If they wanted to do something meaningful then that would be fine, but if it’s just for the heck of it then I don’t care.

My therapist told me the other day that she doesn’t like giving gifts or receiving meaningless gifts from friends or family and she tells them that flat out.  That’s ballsy!  I want to be like that.  Like, “Hey don’t give me gifts, ’cause guess what?  I won’t be buying you any.  I won’t be tempted.  And I don’t like what you get me anyway ’cause it looks like you just wrapped something you didn’t want!”  Yep, I like that.  My therapist is the most confident woman I’ve ever met and I really love that about her.  Hopefully she’s rubbing off on me.

Anyway, hope y’all are enjoy this holiday season and not stressin’ over it.  I’ll try and take my own advice. :)

Katie

11 Facts About Me

  1. For me, my sexual orientation is fluid.  I’ve been confused about it for a long time, but I think that’s what I want to say about it now.  I don’t feel like I should put a label on myself and say, “Yes, this is what I am.”  Though maybe saying my orientation is fluid is putting a label on it.  Ah, why can’t I just be me, and if I want to be with a man that’s fine and if I want to be with a woman, that’s fine too. Whatever. Both appeal to me for different reasons, on different levels and on different occasions.
  2. I love TV Marathons on Netflix!  I mostly enjoy sitcoms, but occasionally a drama will appeal to me.
  3. I love 90’s-early 2000’s alternative rock/rock music.  I also love country music, but not as much.
  4. I play acoustic guitar.  I have great rhythm, but I have trouble with bar chords.  I need to practice more to make my hands stronger.  I’ve been playing on and off since I was 13.
  5. Dogs are my favorite!  I would save and adopt every single dog on the planet if I had the capability.
  6. I like baseball…but I don’t know all the rules, so sometimes I cheer for the wrong team – OOPS!
  7. I like the name Michael.  I have always had crushes on guys named Michael. When I was in kindergarten, a kid that sat beside me all year would play with my hair and told me he wanted to marry me.  His name was Michael.  It might have stemmed from that.  But I used to think he was annoying.  But still it was flattering that he liked me.  I don’t know whatever happened to him.  Never saw him after kindergarten.  :(
  8. I have a scar on the bottom of my foot that is still sensitive from stepping on a sharp rock when I was 8.  My grandparents where babysitting me while my parents were away and they didn’t take me to get  stitches because I begged them not to.  I regret that I guess.
  9. I almost NEVER drink alcohol or caffeine.  It doesn’t make me feel good, so I stay away.
  10. I try to be a minimalist.  Having too much stuff overwhelms me.
  11. One more just for the heck of it…I LOVE THE GOO GOO DOLLS!

Hi God…it’s Katie

Hi God…it’s Katie
I know I’ve been ignoring you
If I’m being honest
Possibly even forgetting you
I’m so exhausted being so self-involved
that my mind fails to remember
that you are here with me
Like when I walked up to that giant Clydesdale Horse
and looked into his big beautifully loving eyes
And I got goosebumps all over my body
I felt you with me
I felt you with me when I was
in that MRI machine having my brain scanned
and I couldn’t move
and i was scared
but you calmed me down
i knew you were with me
It’s moments like those that I know
you are reminding me that you are there
and to listen and to be present
and to watch for your direction and comfort
but because I know you are with me
and I can’t always feel you
i get mad at you
because i figure you could fix everything
but you don’t
you see me and others hurting
but it looks as if you do nothing sometimes
i know i don’t see the bigger picture
so help me to not be mad at you
that’s all i have to say for now

I did something fun today…

that I didn’t think would be fun.

I took my sister to this shopping area in another town over because they have some really neat shops that she thought might be willing to sell her jewelry.  She started making jewelry a few months back, and it turns out she has a real talent for it! Anyway, we got there and we realized we had to park a few blocks away from the shopping area because there was no parking today, and that gave me some anxiety because I don’t go there all the time, and I get mixed up with directions sometimes.  But I ended up navigating very well, and everything worked out fine!  I looked around in some antique shops trying to find something for my mom and my sister went off and asked around at shops to see if anyone would sell her jewelry.  Turns out…she is going to be selling her jewelry in this really cute thrift shop!  Really cool!  I’m very excited for her! I think it’s absolutely fantastic!

So, to celebrate her victory we stopped by a cute cafe and got a cinnamon roll to share!  I know this all seems like simple things, but for someone who has so much anxiety about trying new things, and going to unfamiliar places, it was a great day for me. :)

Hope y’all are well.

Katie

OK, so long story short…

I think everyone might be confused.  I keep changing my mind…but I think I’ve finally made a decision.  Decision making is not a talent of mine.

Just so everyone is on the same page, I tried creating another blog on wordpress.org, but that proved to be too annoying for my liking, so I’m back here, and I just decided to make this blog public, so anyone can read my blog now.  YAY!  I will  be able to talk with more of you, and I think I’ll have less issues with my blog.  Putting it on private for some reason gave me some issues.

SO here we go…I’m back… :)